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Posts Tagged World Cup Qualifying

A BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO U.S. SOCCER FANDOM

To all those who rode their first wave of U.S. soccer fandom into the hot Mexican dust, welcome! Brush that dirt off your coat. Hang it up. Stay awhile. And chin up for god sakes. It’s not that bad. I’m here to help you through it. There are just a few things you should know so you don’t make rookie blunders like buying an Eddie Johnson jersey or dislexifying Onyewu’s name.

1. As you see, we get to trade hands-behind-our-back gut punches with Mexico. It’s only fair, except we take punches in Mexico with both hands behind our back, and they take punches with only one hand behind theirs. Therefore you should always complain that they hit us with dirtier and louder and more painful shots. Because they do.

The image “http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_YTYSOFaGjQM/SZOyBBVaI5I/AAAAAAAABQQ/EyoUIsVfdyI/s400/US+Soccer+Fan.jpg” cannot be displayed, because it contains errors.

2. No matter how easy it seems to qualify for the World Cup, remain skeptical when asked about the U.S.’s prospects of doing so. Play up underrated third world competition: “I dunno, I mean teams without stable governments just have more to play for, you know.” We don’t want too many other continental confederations catching onto the fact that qualification in CONCACAF is structured like those End-of-Camp-Prizes where even the kid who threw a flaming poop pie at another cabin gets an award for his attitude. As much as the U.S. would benefit from a more difficult road to qualification, imagine qualifying once every twelve years, like Ireland or Romania do. Screw that!

3. Whenever we lose or tie you should question Bob Bradley’s lineup decisions. This goes for being a fan of any soccer team, but especially a Bob Bradley team. To do this, simply pick a few players who aren’t Donovan, Dempsey, Onyewu, or Howard, and then ask why Bradley played them. Try it for the Mexico loss. “Man, I don’t understand why he started Clark or DeMerrit or _____ . They’re ok, but they’re just not international quality.”

4. Brian Ching starts because he’s a good “target man”. He’s kind of like an NBA player that sets a really good screen, plays solid defense, and maybe can throw an accurate entry pass. Fundamentals are very very important, especially when trying to compete at the international level. Got it?

5. One way to look like you know what you’re talking about is to say, win or lose, that the U.S. would be better off if it hired a renowned international coach.

6. Also, when watching games with friends, you should say at least once a game that U.S. soccer needs to change its development structure “from the ground up.” You don’t need to provide any details about how to accomplish this. The only evidence you need is that the U.S. never wins any big games and hasn’t produced its own Pele yet. People will be in awe of your deep knowledge of the system’s flaws.

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7. Oh, and if you really want to be a true national team fan, you should make sure that you know all the players on the U.S. team but nobody on any other CONCACAF team that we play. Except it’s OK to know that Blanco guy, and that tricky Gio-something-or-other on Mexico, our arch-rivals. But you’re not allowed to know or praise anyone else because then you might look too sympathetic. Refer to these players by number or racial epithet. Anytime a player on some third world team appears one of the best players on the field then it’s obviously a result of the U.S. playing so shitty by comparison. It’s way easier to criticize the U.S. players’ performances than learn and praise new names.

8. You should probably buy a “Soccer Wave” for your kids. These are really handy, because they like totally launch the ball back to you! If you can’t afford one of these revelations then you should settle for those precisely angled nets that bounce the ball back to you in the air. Just don’t let your kids pass the ball against a wall! It’s like, “where do we live? Rio?”

9. Never watch any MLS games. You will mysteriously get dumber about soccer.◊

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EMBARRASSED, SLIGHTLY

A Fictional Account of the U.S. Loss to Mexico in the Gold Cup Finals

Our team drank beers in afternoon light on the bleachers after a men’s league soccer game. Behind us, a Latino man stumbled out of the shadow of a tree. His calloused heels scraped the pavement through the holes in his sandals. He approached, humming and smiling.

“Wha happuh?” he said. His face was scabbed and tanned, like Texas dirt. His head cocked slowly from one side to another, as if water sloshed against the walls of his ears. “What happuh?”

“This is our beer,” another teammate said.

“Estados Unidos,” he said. “USA!” He raised his fist.

“OK buddy,” another teammate said.

““Que paso? Supposed to be dos a cero. Lo que paso?” The man stopped to laugh, tilting his head back, fluid rocking to the base of his skull. “No dos a cero.”

“We played our B team,” another teammate from our all white team of former college players said, lifting a beer in the air. “Congratulations.”

“Five to Cero!” He shouted into the branches overhead. “Ha!” His head swung forward with a momentum that forced his feet to follow. He stumbled away along the fence of the field, his laugh drifting back to us in rhythmic bursts, like cars buzzing on a highway. None of us responded. We didn’t want to talk about it. We talked about beer and alternative energy.

Later that afternoon I ate tempura noodle soup at a sushi restaurant. Brains unraveled in brine. I didn’t eat again that day, mostly for monetary purposes, but also because I didn’t feel all that good. By bedtime my head throbbed from a day of sweat and beer and sun. I drank about a liter of water before lying down. My stomach a tide pool that waves couldn’t reach. My heart an exposed starfish, not pained but not comfortable, waiting for submersion. I hoped that Mexican hearts rested easier, however and wherever they rested.

http://fineartamerica.com/images-medium/washington-state-tide-pools-series-no-2-karen-merry.jpg


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STYLE ON THE ROAD

Part Two of a Series on Style in American Soccer

*As the U.S. National Team attempts to qualify for the World Cup in 2010, I will write a series of pieces concentrating on the style, or lack of it, of American soccer.

I watched the U.S.A vs. El Salvador qualifying match at a trucker bar seventy miles North of Los Angeles. Called Rusty’s or Rocky’s, it was the type of place that moved in blissful ignorance of the world around it. A family and a few burly men watched a Monster Truck Jam, playing on every TV in the place, with the same rapture that they licked barbeque sauce off their fingers.

http://www.midwestmonsters.com/photos/Img_0611.jpg

“Aw man. One wheel! … Aw shit. That guy just won’t flip. Don’t matter.”

All this while one of the best games of the NCAA Elite Eight, Pittsburgh vs. Villanova, was coming down to the wire. No one in there cared. This was comforting in a way. Mainstream sports news had as little bearing as any other news. “Don’t Stop Believing” blared over crunching cars. I asked the bartender to switch one of the TV’s to the soccer game, but not to worry about turning on the sound because one of the two burly guys was carrying a pretty good tune a few octaves below Steve Perry, and I didn’t want to throw him off.

So I watched the game to a familiar Classic Rock soundtrack. The two burly guys took turns picking tunes on the jukebox. The one with longer hair and rougher hands actually made some pretty good selections: A lot of Rolling Stones, Credence, Yes …

Quintanilla buries a stunning goal into the bottom corner.

I hear hurricanes ablowing.
I know the end is coming soon.

El Salvadorian fans bear their teeth and yell through a rocking fence.

The other burly guy, rounder and redder, picked a lot of glam rock and metal: Bowie, Poison, Guns n’ Roses. The soundtrack proved as predictable as any in any bar anywhere in America. But it was still an enjoyable way to watch the game. Instead of listening to Harkes wail on about all the mistakes the U.S. had to correct in the second half, I got Welcome to the Jungle!

It all got me thinking, could the U.S. National Team have a soundtrack, or a sound? Different games create different rhythms, but the instruments and spirit remain the same. I’m pretty sure Bill Simmons has proposed a similar game based on comparisons between sports teams and rock groups.

But by the time the first half ended, I didn’t think the U.S. had earned comparison to any of the bands that had played. Maybe Poison, I thought, for their predictable and straightforward songs. But even Poison has an underrated versatility, dipping into darker ballads and crunching through poppy rockers. And they play with such clear and piercing purpose that I thought the comparison would be doing them a disservice.

The U.S. didn’t play like Poison in the first half. Poison would have scored. The U.S. played scared, disjointed, devoid of ideas. Maybe like a late version of The Police, on the verge of breaking up.

More accurately, the band comparison didn’t work. Not just because I couldn’t describe the U.S. playing style with adjectives that would fit a good band, but mostly because the U.S. failed to impose its will, or its style, on the game at all, until about the 70th minute. At that point they started to possess the ball around the El Salvadorian 18-yard box. They played with more purpose, opening up the wings, and trying to combine their way to more shots on goal.

But for the majority of the game the U.S. were a will-less, punch-less group against one of the lower-rated teams in CONCACAF.

Yes, the U.S. showed their typical grit and determination to get back into the game. And they probably would have won if given ten more minutes. Also, El Salvador should be given credit for playing with so much determination, for surprising the American players with their speed and guile after so much talk about how they didn’t stand a chance.

Why does the U.S. so often fail to impose its will on weaker teams, especially away?

Many pundits have blamed Bradley.

Jamie Trecker writes in his blog on FoxSoccer.com: “You cannot blame [Bradley] for not being able to teach top-level tactics — because the guy clearly doesn’t know any. How would you, if the great majority of your time was spent in MLS? No slight on MLS or Bradley, but it’s unreasonable to expect someone to succeed when they don’t have the tools to do so … What the Americans need to progress is not a coach that ‘understands the American player,’ but a coach that understands what a team needs to do to succeed at the international level.”

I guess it would be nice to have an internationally qualified coach. But to blame Bradley for the performance against El Salvador seems short-sited and wrong.

I can’t come up with an apt musical comparison for the national team yet, but I do know that playing good soccer works via many of the same principles as making good music. To make good music takes talented musicians playing together, hitting the right notes at the right times. It takes individual creativity, and united purpose.

http://www.jerometwhite.com/images/JohnColtrane.JPG

The coach can share some of the blame for any failure. Maybe he gave misguiding direction. Maybe he chose the wrong personnel. But simply blaming Bradley blinds us to the deeper problems of player talent and development in this country. Both suffer. And both hurt us, immensely.

But both are getting better. The players are out there, in the Los Angeles parks and the Mid-western suburbs. We simply need to find them and nurture their talents the right way.

I dream of the day when we can field a team of players that have personalities as rich and diverse as all our musical talents have. When we have players that spring from our many landscapes as organically as Blues or jazz or folk music did. When we have a Coltrane at right back. When we have a John Fogerty tying down the central defense. A Nas in central midfield controlling the tempo.

Thinking about my dream American musician lineup (Dylan and Stevie Ray Vaughn at outside midfield, B.B. King in net, Biggie and Miles Davis up front), I realize that we need to make it as easy for our soccer players to express themselves as our musicians.

Then we’ll see style. Then we’ll see willpower. Is this possible?

Then Hejduk scores the game-tying goal with a few minutes left to play. Hejduk, maybe the least talented guy on the field, is all willpower. Arms outstretched and pumping in celebration, hair flying, he’s somehow all style too. Some nineties grunge lead singer. Chris Cornell (Soundgarden)? Jerry Cantrell (Alice in Chains)?

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