Dear Alexi,

You seem like a pretty cool guy, for a ginger and a hippie. Actually, that’s why I like you – cause you’re a ginger but you make fun of yourself for being a ginger. You’re like, ‘yeah I’m a goofy ginger, What? I’m still pretty cool and funny could probably kick your ass, so if you can’t look past my gingerness then like screw you dude.’ And that’s a lot like what if feels like to play and love soccer in America. A lot of people in this country think it’s stupid and boring, but so what. A lot of other people love it. One day I want to play for the U.S. national team. Maybe you could give me some advice, because you know what it takes. You ARE American soccer, at least that’s what my dad says. I was watching the Confederations Cup the other day on TV and I didn’t know who you were and my dad came in told me you’re an American soccer legend, who like helped put us on the world map. So then I looked you up on YouTube and stuff and it’s totally true. You were bad ass, like a hockey player on the soccer field. A rock star. And then I found out that you actually are a rock star too! Sort of. Except you sound like a homeless man’s Nickelback, but with words that make more sense and are a little less wussy. Anyways, I think you’re pretty cool. (I don’t even blame you for all that Beckham stuff that everyone’s talking about, which kind of seems like a lot of other big guys in suits might be telling you what to do and then you have to take the blame for it). I got your back on that one. But what I don’t got your back about is you coming out on ESPN saying that we need to get bigger and stronger players on the U.S. team. Maybe you were just saying that to agree with the radio host or to get more Americans totally pumped about soccer in a way that they can relate to. Or maybe ESPN made you say it like the Galaxy made you say certain things. Or maybe you were kidding. I mean, I know you can be a kidder sometimes. But you didn’t really sound like you were kidding. You said something about how in America “we have cultivated this group of players that are technically very good, but don’t have that much size. And that’s where we need to bridge the gap.” (By the way, you have a pretty slick vocabulary. Maybe you could teach your friend Harkes a few things). You make it all sound really believable when you talk the way you do, like you should teach jock speech classes or something if your office jobs don’t work out. Anyways, have you seen the U.S. team lately? Have you seen Gooch? Bradley? Altidore? DeMerrit? Wynne? Casey? Dempsey? You really think size is the problem?  To me, soccer is more about everything else athletic: coordination, balance, quickness, fitness, agility, and mostly skill. You know, all the good stuff. And a lot of times being big doesn’t help that much.

That’s what makes it so great. Of course size can help in some places on the field, like in front of the goal. But have you seen where most of the game is played, and have you seen like most of the best players in the world, ever? I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but a lot of them aren’t that tall. I know you’re pretty big, and so were a lot of your teammates back in the day. And you played in Italy and blah blah blah. But that doesn’t mean you can take a shit on my dreams, you stupid clumsy ginger brute. It’s when you do say stuff like this that I wonder if you really deserve to be Mr. American soccer. Like why don’t you manage a hockey team or something with the rest of your clan.

Signed,
Bruised American youth

ps. I still like you, but check yourself, especially if you’re going to be a voice for American soccer that kids like me look up to.

pps. I don’t have a Napoleanic complex or anything. I’m small, but the doc says its just a phase.◊

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