Castrol GTX May Not Let Your Engine Break Down, But They Know How to Break Down A Game

In case you weren’t aware, the ever-prescient governing body of soccer has partnered with Castrol GTX to develop the “definitive system” to rate player performance. Not only does it rate performance, but it rates performance objectively! According to a clarifying explanation on the Fifa.com website, the infinitely complex system “tracks every move on the field and assesses whether it has a positive or negative impact on a team’s ability to score or concede a goal.”

Why even watch games anymore when watching games won’t even tell you which players “truly deserve to grab all the headlines”? If you’re as much of a soccer enthusiast as I am, then you simply need to know which players these are! I mean Fernando Torres, David Villa and Kaka in the top three? Who would have thought? Now I look at them in a newly edifying light. They’re so … technologically advanced.

The secret to the revealing analysis lies in the carefully calibrated zones into which the Castrol Index has divided the field. Passes completed into higher-rated zones are worth more “Castrol points.” The same is true for tackles or interceptions in the most advanced or dangerous zones. In other words, Castrol points are brilliantly simple and complex at the same time, kind of like the internal combustion engine.

Why didn’t I think if the Castrol Index? Probably for the same reason I don’t know how to engineer a high-mileage motor oil with “magnetic properties” and “57% better sludge protection than competitive oil.” I wouldn’t even know how to begin measuring that. Science is amazing.

Now that such a system exists, I won’t even bother trying to analyze the U.S.-Spain game because I’d probably get it all wrong. Somehow, though, I’ve been lucky enough to get one of the developers of the revolutionary system to be a guest commentator on the semifinal match. So the esteemed Dr. Sludge, who has degrees in both synthetic engineering and soccer statistics, is going to take over from here. You might want to get out your protractors and calculators, though, because Dr. Sludge can get awfully mathematical. Just kidding! Dr. Sludge makes even complex algorithms so easy to digest that he doesn’t even need to explain them because you just know they’re true. Go ahead Dr. Sludge!

Thank you, Thank you. Really, thanks Cyrus for letting me speak with such an adroit and influential soccer audience. Hello Footsmoke.com!

Can I get some epic classical music in the background? Do you have any Brahms? OK. Actually, something a little slower? Heavier? That’s the stuff. Dim the lights. Nice …. Ahem…

“It’s not easy to repel blistering speed. It’s not easy to take on bone-freezing passes. It’s not easy to defy the physical laws of international soccer….

But team U…S…A was not an easy team to develop…

Its synthetic-odometric-enduroefficiency-coverage ensures that it keeps going, even in the 90th minute. Especially in the 90th minute. Because we all know 90th minutes can last lifetimes. And in pressurized conditions like this they can cost games, even lives.

The U.S.’s anti-sludge-combustication-rating ensured that Spain’s pressure couldn’t break its defense down. Stuck together in magnetized-globulated-adhesion (TM), the U.S. defense didn’t crack under even the most extreme Spanish pressure. Its thermo-activated-appendages got between hot Spanish shots and a cracked goalmouth.

Most importantly, the U.S. blocked Spain’s anti-hydro-viscosity-passing-completion-rating from getting too high. And anti-hydro-viscosity-passing-completion-ratings can kill. Obviously.

Also the U.S. had Oguchi Onweyu and Tim Howard.

Thank you.”

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