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KING GUUS, DROGBA, TERRY, LAMPARD, CECH, ESSIEN gather in locker room after loss to Barcelona.

DROGBA
Disgraced! Disgraced! Whofore will set it right?
Fouled more than Ceasar, bloodied more than Prometheus!
Pilloried by the dark lord Ovrebo.
I bear lashes of a whipped horse’s hide.

KING GUUS
Perchance I err, but I fail to see them.

DROGBA
You would butfore the toughness of mine own.

KING
Quiet fool. Even toughness betrays its husk.
Twill ripen then decay with time, like fruit
Devoured by yellow maggots, frenzy fed
On the honey of purpose and desire.

TERRY
But King, you speak as if we bear the blame!
But for this loss I’ll not the burden take.
Evils beyond time did undo our game.
Ovrebo shall taste my boot’s rapier!
We will have our destiny again to steer.

LAMPARD
It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves!

KING
Then perchance you should watch how you hold it.
The Spaniards cradled the orb like a golden child.
You kicked her as if a ragged bastard.

LAMPARD
All that glitters is not gold.

KING
That thought less aligns than Overbo’s calls.
Do we house a traitor amongst our ranks?
I know no more right from seems, sense from dreams.
Day from night, earth from hell. Oh, stuck am I
Betwixt deity of dowry and of death.

[Enter BALLACK brandishing FIFA Rulebook in hand.]

BALLACK
Betrayal! Our case as clear as the Rhine.
[Reading]

“Penalty: When hand moves toward the ball, not ball towards hand.”
Ha! My strike had eyes for goal if not deflected.
A rank official this sacred ground infected.
To lop his arm would not our justice serve.
We must appeal to law for vengeance true!

DROGBA
Oh! No longer will I play this game so cruel.
Its laws more disloyal than the wrankest whore.
Crueler too, as losing any beauty
Could never your heart so painfully kill.
Is there nothing in this world to ease my pain?
No drug, nor food, nor death, nor dream, nor love.

LAMPARD
Love is the most beautiful of dreams
And the worst of nightmares.

ESSIEN
[Sharpening spear]
[Aside]. King is right. I cannot tell women from men.

BALLACK
Comrades! Join me, with the power of your pens.
We shall march to the battlefield of paper and gavels.
Who shall come swift to the Swiss office tonight?
We need to act swift or rust our edge.
I shall type an appeal so sharp as to give Gods fright!

[Ballack exits]

TERRY
Laws be damned; they strip us our will.
Tis time we drown the rat with our own hands.

ESSIEN
[brandishing spear].
Arise! Follow me with the spirit of fire
Swirling wind-blown o’er the dry prairie
To choke them fore breath, blind them fore sight.
Hasten we must to Ovrebo’s domecile,
Like the West winds we chase the dawn. To Norway!

KING
Calm. Haste your reason doth burn to dust.
Be patient as we wait for the strike,
Cool snake coiled in grass with poisoned tooth.
Fans talk of doing the deed in our place.
Perchance we should wait to see how this plays.

TERRY
Patience! We tried this gainst even ten men!
Watched our house burn whilst we swept the pantry.
Methinks our King’s will wilts like the grass you love.
No longer will I wait. Brave Essien!
Into the fire I follow your lead!
What say you Cech, Lampard, Drogba?

LAMPARD
Smoke on the water, fire in the sky!

TERRY
Soothe mate. We should travel not as the Blues
But in disguise as peasants, hooligans.

CECH
Is fire more dangerous than soccer?

DROGBA
Yes. Yes. I shall fight for all that is right.
But who will stop the game when I fall?

[Exeunt Essien, Terry, Lampard, Cech, Drogba].◊

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