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Can we stop bitching about Beckham, and all his selfishness?

Don’t people realize that Beckham is on a mission from God – to become the most iconic athlete, or maybe even the most iconic icon, in the world … ever?

Jesus’ iconic status has always been hampered by the way different religions produced varying depictions of him. It’s hard to know the real Jesus. We might not recognize him in the bus seat next to us. And John Lennon was hurt by the whole language barrier. But Beckham … He plays a sport that translates to every culturally unique corner of the globe. His smile makes men and women swoon no matter what language, national or sexual, they speak. And he preaches more accessible ethics than piety or peace on earth. For Beckham, it’s all about hard work and taking care of his “down to earth” family.

Beckham seems like the only one these days that sees clearly the purpose of his life on earth: global domination. He realizes that the time for such control may never come for any one individual again. It takes the right person in the right sport in the right global marketplace.

But companies like Gillette and Pepsi have started to dent Beckham’s worldwide appeal by ending his advertising contracts. And the rest of us are inexplicably slowing Beckham’s rise to dominance with our indifference to his recent loan to Milan. Such a move should be celebrated with new jerseys for everyone in the family and the mandatory creation of fan-appreciation websites or YouTube videos that involve pasting Beckham’s head onto existing photographs of Milan players. Make sure you get the music right though!

A number of us are even pessimistic about the move, griping about his lack of integrity and respect for American soccer. Such a criticism disrespects the scope of Beckham’s vision. Of course he cares about the state of the game in one of his outposts (America), but he cares more about the state of his worldwide brand.

When the world explodes in a few (hundred) years, what will be left? Hopefully, a complete picture of the legacy and importance of David Beckham: millions of tattered jerseys of dozens of teams bearing Beckham’s name in hundreds of language, Pepsi bottles smeared with his face, some titanium-plated Adidas Predator boots, crumbling stadiums graced with follicles of his golden hair, computers and cables spouting records of his search-engine hits, and insects humming his name.

When aliens from another galaxy sift through these relics, don’t we want them to see the object of our affection? They would have to be stunned by his beauty, by his grace and poise. And they would have to be jealous; there is no way any being from their home planet could strike a ball better than Becks.

Is world domination really such a bad goal? What’s more important? Saving the environment? The global economy?

Although Beckham has the biggest carbon footprint in the world, he will get to these things. He simply needs to consolidate more power and influence first. He needs to conquer a few more geopolitical strongholds. He’s working on Italy, if the media would simply help him do his work and quit asking distracting questions.

Beckham still has a way to go. We need to wait for him to take Asia, which he’s well on his way to doing, but might require a stint with Inter Shanghai. He’ll be back for America, which probably proved tougher than he imagined with so many stars jockeying for attention in Beverley Hills.

Eventually, Beckham will reach the all-powerful deified pedestal he seeks. And from there, he will make it all right. He will cure global warming and starvation. He will singlehandedly rectify the economy. He will tell all of us the secret to happiness, in that melting Londoner accent of his.

Hopefully it won’t be as incomprehensible as his one line in this Pepsi commercial. Admittedly, he needs to spend a little more time in Hollywood. When do the movie deals start? We need to get on this.

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